Dunno what to do. Recently I gave up on a very old friendship because over the years it had grown toxic. My friend criticized everything I did, mocked my efforts to get our friendship on stable ground, and blamed it all on me whenever I tried to talk to him about it–thus clearing himself of any responsibility for helping me fix it.

That situation and this one are not at all analogous–except in one respect.

I am not a horrible person, and I do not need people in my life who treat me as if I were. I don’t want to have to think three times before I speak. I don’t want to question my every word or action. I deserve better than to walk on eggshells with those I call friends.

Others deserve to not be offended. They shouldn’t have to tolerate conversations that make them uncomfortable. They should feel safe in their community.

And right there, in perhaps my favorite online community, their needs and mine collide.

I’m not safe. I don’t think “sex” is a dirty word. I believe the human body is beautiful.

Anyone who thinks Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a harmless policy, try this for a while. Choose something that’s very important to you–and don’t talk about it. Don’t hint about it or allude to it in any way. Hide it from everyone. I give you a week before you’re trying to figure out how you’re suddenly ashamed of this completely innocent part of you.

People assure me that referring to sex as “pink water activities” (pink being a chemical aphrodisiac; it’s an in-joke) is just for fun, but I’m still reluctant to just type “sex.” Because when people cough and blush and put the words “pink water activities” behind a spoiler cut, what the hell am I supposed to do with the terrifying word “sex?” Even those that I know aren’t afraid of the word don’t use it.

I like sex. I like smut. I like (some) porn. I think men are beautiful, and I like to look at them and talk about them. I found a site of normal people pictured, often in the nude, sometimes having sex–gay sex and lesbian sex and het sex and three-ways and an orgy here and there–and I think it’s beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Except I can’t talk about it. Can’t talk about my research for the smutbunny. Gotta behave with the links, no matter how much warning I put on them. Put a warning on my snips, and put them under a spoiler-cut if I think they’re really risqué. Even though the snips forum is supposed to be rated no higher than PG-13, so how damned risqué could they be and still be there? But I’m not sure they should be there. Because though the words are “PG-13″ the gasps start happening if I go beyond “G.” Because while most of my friends are much like me, plenty of the community isn’t, and those people have rights too.

So, I thought, take it somewhere else. When I joked about a smut challenge, so many people chimed in with enthusiasm that I cheered and started an LJ community for it.

And nearly the first thing people wanted was a rating system so we don’t scare anyone.

It’s a smut challenge. The whole idea is to write a story (not a PWP, an actual story) starting with hot and heavy smut, and going from there write a story that works. One would think people joining that challenge would know what they were getting into.

I miss my friends. But what’s the point in going to chat if I’m just going to sit there not talking, uncomfortably trying to find something to say that isn’t going to offend anyone?

What’s the point in scaring or scarring my friends?